'I never lived it down': 35 Weird and wild secret confessions

Author image for Remy Millisky
Remy Millisky • Writer and Editor
Jun 13, 2023 11:00 AM EDT

These folks have secrets — and you can only know them anonymously! 

Twitter's popular secret confession page, @fesshole, is a prime spot for your average person to confess their darkest secrets. Luckily for the rest of us, we get to take a peek into other people's lives and realize that everyone is hiding some things that we'll never know about otherwise. 

In this week's selection, one person confessed to being devastated to learn that a colleague was actually just a really polite robot, while another admitted the sneaky way they procured a pet kitten, despite their husband saying no to pets. From office hijinks to family drama, the latest batch of confessions are truly wild. I'm thinking about the person who admitted to messing with all of their office's chairs constantly… you really never know what people are up to. 

After you scroll through these 35 prime entries from the last week, discover how many cows one person accidentally bought (hint: it's over 50!). 

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  • 01
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole Had a bit of success with my mates in an indie band. A super group formed and used the same name as us without checking for copyright. Someone told them and we got a buy a house size cheque each. We'd split up a few months prior and would never have gone after them.
    via @fesshole
  • 02
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole Boss screwed me over on annual appraisal, said I couldn't do any better, top grade, but marked me as average in reality - didn't get a promotion as a result. Stole his entire stock of 'Thank you for you work, here's a free breakfast' vouchers for canteen & ate free for 2 months.
    via @fesshole
  • 03
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole Was asked for feedback on why a project had gone badly. Was thanked for my long and detailed response. Only wrote it that length so I could make the capital letter of each sentence spell out "IT FAILED BECAUSE CHRIS IS AN IDIOT"
    via @fesshole
  • 04
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I'm not actually sure when the last time I washed my face was. I shower. I wash my hair. Gravity is a thing.
    via @fesshole
  • 05
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I wanted a kitten. My now-husband said no. Weeks later I "found" I kitten "in the middle of the road". Cue "taking it to the vets" to "get it's chip scanned". We ended up keeping the "poor, abandoned feral" kitten. Yes, reader, I'd bought the kitten.
    via @fesshole
  • 06
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole Following the birth of our child we started watching TV with the volume low and subtitles on. Years later it has become the norm to watch everything with subtitles on and we can't go back to watching without them
    via @fesshole
  • 07
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole Dad's been asking where I get those weird gravy granules he used when he was at my house dog sitting. The only thing resembling gravy I have in my house is powdered pork liver for the dog. Do I tell him?
    via @fesshole
  • 08
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole ... I have a giant photographic portrait of my parents from the 1980s, who long since separated. Really nice photo, but parents hate each other. I feel like I can't display it until they both die, so it lives in a bin bag behind my wardrobe.
    via @fesshole
  • 09
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I have never lied on my cv when applying for a job. Now I'm almost 40 and still have a st job
    via @fesshole
  • 10
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole My wife is always misplacing car keys and blaming me. She always finds them in her bags or coats eventually. It's never me. Except this time, but I couldn't allow a precedent to be set, so I denied it and shoved them in the bottom of one of her handbags when she wasn't looking.
    via @fesshole
  • 11
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole ….. I drive freight trains mostly at night. If I'm passing through a posh area after midnight, where houses are in excess of a million pounds, I'll sound my horn as loud as I can. I like to imagine them nodding off in their board meetings for evil multinationals the next day.
    via @fesshole
  • 12
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I work in a small office, always last to leave. Before I do, I go round setting the chairs into the most awkward and uncomfortable positions. Everyone thinks it's the cleaner. It's me. I hate my coworkers.
    via @fesshole
  • 13
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole My daughter has just gone through a growth spurt and I refuse to buy her new clothes until the next school year starts in Sept so instead I raid the school lost property for uniform each week and grab unlabelled clothes in her new size, take them home and write her name in them.
    via @fesshole
  • 14
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole ●●● For years I thought I've been building a friendly relationship with someone called Peter from the Danish IT department. Today I have been informed Peter is a robot created to deal with IT enquires via email - I feel hurt and confused as he was the only bearable one here.
    via @fesshole
  • 15
    Organism - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole ... We have a leaking toilet that we could quickly and easily fix with a dab of silicon, but our landlords just upped our rent by so they can get it fixed for us.
    via @fesshole
  • 16
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole When people are making food I don't like in works canteen microwave I stop them. People think they're broke and have replaced three of them now
    via @fesshole
  • 17
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole Had the oven cleaned professionally. Cost £135. I've since been putting off using the hob in case of spills. Mrs made kids pasta and it spilled over. F ing fuming and hardly talking to her. She thinks it's because Arsenal fed up winning the league. It isn't.
    via @fesshole
  • 18
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole My vegan girlfriend thinks I moved to a plant based diet 3 years ago to align with her beliefs. Every Sunday, our neighbour passes over a doggy bag of meaty scraps from their Sunday roast as she thinks we use it to train our dog. The dog never gets any as I secretly eat it all.
    via @fesshole
  • 19
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I lived in my flat after handing keys back to the landlord when my lease ended. Used a spare set and every night after work I checked nobody had moved in. Stayed over and ensured everything looked untouched when I left for work the next morning. Went on for 2 weeks unnoticed. ...
    via @fesshole
  • 20
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I spent 6 weeks in the Royal Air Force when I was 17, but now I'm 42 and use my "Veteran's Railcard", feel a bit of a fraud because I didn't make it out of basic training.
    via @fesshole
  • 21
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole In a meeting room at work, I once wrote 1.834. ALPHA PHASE. PROJECT ZERO in the corner of a whiteboard, put a red box around it and added PLEASE LEAVE! Complete nonsense. It was there for over two years. Occasionally someone would add "Is this still needed?" and I'd write Yes!
    via @fesshole
  • 22
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole ... In a rock band, in the 90s. Completely lost in a strange town and very late for our gig. Driving past the fire station for the third time, our drummer phoned 999 and said that the venue was on fire. Two fire engines appeared and we followed them straight to the venue.
    via @fesshole
  • 23
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole If I ever have to organise something between me and my mates, I always round up the price of whatever I've booked. Why shouldn't I process a little admin fee for those lazy sods? Cost of living and all that
    via @fesshole
  • 24
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole Whenever I'm in public and an attractive woman sits next to me, I make extra effort to complete the sudoku on my phone quickly to impress them. Hasn't worked yet but there's always next time
    via @fesshole
  • 25
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole A few weeks ago i stuck a small rubber off the tip of a pencil into my ear and the more i tried to dig it out the further it got pushed in. It's definitely still in there but I cant feel it and I hear completely fine so I'm just going to leave it.
    via @fesshole
  • 26
    Organism - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I've just eaten three Penguin bars today and now my wife thinks it's one of the kids that's eaten them. Thing is, I can't tell her my secret shame so she's putting them to bed early out of punishment.
    via @fesshole
  • 27
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole ... Made hot eye contact with a girl. Rather than talk to her like a normal person, I sent a drink over using the 'Spoons app. Got the table number wrong though and the unhinged fight this caused between that couple led to a punch-up between two other tables. Never did get her name.
    via @fesshole
  • 28
    Organism - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole My beautiful and amazing and wonderful girlfriend always leaves the butter looking like it's been hit by a chainsaw when she uses it and I honestly find myself thinking about leaving her because of it
    via @fesshole
  • 29
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I am old but I walk at a normal pace. Except when crossing the road in front of a sports car, when I am a doddering turtle. If the car honks I have a 'senior moment' and just halt for a good thirty seconds.
    via @fesshole
  • 30
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I got a video game I wrote listed on Google Maps. It needed postal confirmation but, as a former Royal Mail worker, I knew how to get round this. The result was that my imaginary castle on a hill was one of the top 5 locations in Stoke for ages. Hope no-one tried to drive there.
    via @fesshole
  • 31
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole Overheard an irritating woman in the gym saying she only uses number 60 locker and hates if it's not available. You can guess which locker I now use every single time
    via @fesshole
  • 32
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole Spoilt stepson insists on being bought three of everything so he can keep two as spares. The spares end up in the garage never to see the light of day. For the last 4 years I have been giving all his spare scooters, Nerf guns & skateboards to kids that live on a council estate.
    via @fesshole
  • 33
    Mammal - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole After some genius coding I deployed my latest feature in our software and In a fit of euphoria I announced on Teams that 'I was f ing megaman'. I never lived it down and to avoid interacting with the team ever again started working on just bug fixes and support tasks.
    via @fesshole
  • 34
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I get the bus to work each morning, and I have a favourite seat. There's an old lady who sometimes gets on before me, and claims my prized spot. I've never felt so much hatred towards someone I've never spoken to.
    via @fesshole
  • 35
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole When something breaks I've started ordering an identical item from Amazon and returning the faulty one whether I can afford a replacement or not. F them
    via @fesshole

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